Love Me
You said you love me and I do believed
for no one ever loved me this way
I even turned my back on friends
for I only listen on what you say.
You cared for me with all your might
for no one ever dared to try
I trusted you more than anyone else
for I knew, with you, I'll never cry.
We always wanted to see each other
for we always miss each arms so bad
I thank God with all my heart
for you're the man I always had.
The Joy of Loving You
The moment I saw you
I knew that my dream has come true.
The dream of loving you
So my days would never be blue.
The way you hold my hands
Makes me happy when we’re together.
The happiness that I wish
Would be always and forever.
The warmth of your presence
Gives me a loving feeling of joy.
The joy of loving you
As long as I live, my dearest boy!
I wrote these poems when I was still in college (if I can remember it right) in 1989. I was madly as in crazy in love with a schoolmate who is two years senior of me.
I was still in my first year then, when I met him. I was invited by a classmate to join a student volunteers’ organization where he is one of the officers. I found him very nice and friendly. I felt that destiny is keeping us together because he is also an officer of the student government where one of my friends is his co-officer. During my free time, we hang out in the student government office, where we got the chance to know each other. We became good buddies and we used to go out as a group.
Little did I notice that I am falling in love with him. I kept on thinking about him every minute of the day as if that my world revolves on him. My day is incomplete when I don’t see him or talk to him. When I am in his office and no one is around I used to slip secret notes in his things. The more he became nicer and friendlier to me, the more I fall for him and every time I think of our situations, it is killing me softly. He has a girlfriend from the same college where I was, so when his girlfriend is around, I try to avoid him. This girl has an image in the school of a social climber and playgirl. Another thing is that every girl in the school had a crush on him because he is very handsome and popular. Thinking that I am not the only one who likes him is freaking me out. I cannot count the times when I am inside the restroom and hears some girls giggling over him when he passes by the corridor.
It was nearing our semestral break, when our school had an activity sponsored by the student government. As an active member of the organization I was involved in the activity. I was so excited because we are together and that was my first major involvement with the organization. We had a nice time working together, and what makes me more excited is that his girlfriend was not there. It was then my most unforgettable moment when he told me something that I have wanted him to say. He told me he likes me.
“I already have him in my life but I am not in his.”, that was our situation for two weeks. We secretly date together. When we had a chance to talk about our situation, I asked him to just choose between me and the other girl. Unexpectedly, he chose the other girl. Later that I learned that his girlfriend has been telling everyone that she is dying of leukemia after she knew what was going on between me and her boyfriend. And I thought that was her only way of keeping him. She was really that desperate but if she only knew how it tore me apart. He can’t leave his girlfriend because of her “situation”. After a month, they broke up. Maybe he learned that she was only pretending to be sick. But actually, she is. She is sick in the head! I didn’t talk to him since then even if we had a chance.
After they broke up, I was still secretly wishing that he would ask me to give our relationship a second chance. But I realized that he is not the man who is worth of my love and I don’t deserve someone who would not fight for me. After a month, he had a new girlfriend who is an evening student. Though obviously with his charm, he can easily get a new girl. The girl was the exact opposite of his former girlfriend.
I heard from a friend that he had a number of girlfriends before he settled down. Good for him!
If he can only read this, I want him to know that I wrote these poems for him.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
My Ate
We may have the same mother but we were not raised together.
My friends are always amazed when I tell them that I have an older half sister. We have an age gap of, if I am not mistaken, 5 years. Our mother had Ate before she met my father.
We grew up on a different environment. I spent my younger life with my parents, while Ate grew up with my grandparents, aunties and uncles. I was used to living with a small family while Ate, with a big family. I am used to the city life while Ate grew up in the province.
When Ate graduated in high school, she decided to study college in Manila. I was very happy because aside from, I have someone to share household chores with, (he he he!) she was tutoring me in my Math subjects. I remember getting higher grades in my Math because of her. I am really poor in numbers and I got those genes from Mama, while Ate may have gotten it from her father . She is really a math wizard. But just like any other family, conflicts arose from all the adjustments she has to make, living with her “new” family, with city life, and household rules. Not to mention, my father’s rigid style of disciplining. One day, she left our house without my parents knowing it, until we learned that she went back to our province. I saw my mother cried and hurt by what she did.
I was in my second year high school when my father told me and my younger sister that my half sister is really our sister. Instead of feeling sad and violent like what the usual scene that I saw in the drama shows and movies, I felt happy that Ate is actually my sister. It didn’t matter if she has a different father or that we never grew up together, but she is my sister. But I never told my mother that I already knew the truth. I felt that she doesn’t need to explain to us and I don’t want her to feel embarrassed.
Ate graduated in college in the province and worked in a government office. She visits us often especially if her work requires her to travel to Manila. Of course, when she visits, we go malling, shopping and watching movies. We still find time for bonding like what sisters do.
When our mother was diagnosed with cancer and she has to undergo therapies, Ate is one of those who helped us with the finances. A few days before our mother died, she was with us. She was beside Mama until her last breath.
During the preparation for Mama’s internment, when we have to put the names of the family members in the coffin, I have included Ate’s. I never thought of its effect especially to our relatives in my father’s side. Most of our relatives from my father’s side were surprised because Ate was introduced to them before as my cousin. Some of them even told me that my mother should curse me for telling others of her “secret”. It’s like telling me on my face that I betrayed my mother. Honestly, I didn’t feel that it is suppose to be secret or I betrayed Mama. Are there such things as secret mothers or secret children? Anyway, this is our family, I am part of it, and so I have every right to make decisions. Good thing, my father never disapproved of that.
I know my mother very well and I know that she would not mind that others learned about the truth. I remember when one of my aunties told me that after my parents got married, Mama has made several attempts to get Ate from my grandparents.
I know that if Mama was only given a chance, she would have compensated well for her absence in Ate’s growing years.
My friends are always amazed when I tell them that I have an older half sister. We have an age gap of, if I am not mistaken, 5 years. Our mother had Ate before she met my father.
We grew up on a different environment. I spent my younger life with my parents, while Ate grew up with my grandparents, aunties and uncles. I was used to living with a small family while Ate, with a big family. I am used to the city life while Ate grew up in the province.
When Ate graduated in high school, she decided to study college in Manila. I was very happy because aside from, I have someone to share household chores with, (he he he!) she was tutoring me in my Math subjects. I remember getting higher grades in my Math because of her. I am really poor in numbers and I got those genes from Mama, while Ate may have gotten it from her father . She is really a math wizard. But just like any other family, conflicts arose from all the adjustments she has to make, living with her “new” family, with city life, and household rules. Not to mention, my father’s rigid style of disciplining. One day, she left our house without my parents knowing it, until we learned that she went back to our province. I saw my mother cried and hurt by what she did.
I was in my second year high school when my father told me and my younger sister that my half sister is really our sister. Instead of feeling sad and violent like what the usual scene that I saw in the drama shows and movies, I felt happy that Ate is actually my sister. It didn’t matter if she has a different father or that we never grew up together, but she is my sister. But I never told my mother that I already knew the truth. I felt that she doesn’t need to explain to us and I don’t want her to feel embarrassed.
Ate graduated in college in the province and worked in a government office. She visits us often especially if her work requires her to travel to Manila. Of course, when she visits, we go malling, shopping and watching movies. We still find time for bonding like what sisters do.
When our mother was diagnosed with cancer and she has to undergo therapies, Ate is one of those who helped us with the finances. A few days before our mother died, she was with us. She was beside Mama until her last breath.
During the preparation for Mama’s internment, when we have to put the names of the family members in the coffin, I have included Ate’s. I never thought of its effect especially to our relatives in my father’s side. Most of our relatives from my father’s side were surprised because Ate was introduced to them before as my cousin. Some of them even told me that my mother should curse me for telling others of her “secret”. It’s like telling me on my face that I betrayed my mother. Honestly, I didn’t feel that it is suppose to be secret or I betrayed Mama. Are there such things as secret mothers or secret children? Anyway, this is our family, I am part of it, and so I have every right to make decisions. Good thing, my father never disapproved of that.
I know my mother very well and I know that she would not mind that others learned about the truth. I remember when one of my aunties told me that after my parents got married, Mama has made several attempts to get Ate from my grandparents.
I know that if Mama was only given a chance, she would have compensated well for her absence in Ate’s growing years.
Friday, August 22, 2008
To marry or to be merry?
I remember when I was still in college, I always say that I will get married when I reach my 24th year. When I was 24, I was still waiting for the right man to come. I said to myself, maybe he will come when I get to my 26th year. After two years, somebody came along but he was the worst nightmare I could ever get. I even lost my hope saying that I was too old to be fooled by a damn and crazy man. After three months of stupidity and waste of emotional investment, I came to my senses and thought I can do better than this. Good thing, someone who is really far better than him came along. He is even the exact opposite of my ex. I never thought that God will give me someone who will accept me as I am. He may not be the perfect man for me but I am sure that he will love me no matter what.
After two years, he proposed and that was the biggest decision I have made. I gave in to that proposal because firstly, I love him and I was assured that he will love me forever. Second, I think that I am old enough to start my own family. Third, I am so excited to to be a wife and a mother. But I did not realize that being married means bigger responsibilities. It is not that I am not used to responsibilities but being a daughter and a sister is far different that being a wife.
Marriage entails a lot of adjustments. Before, I am used to deciding for myself, and now I have to consult my husband. We are just a small family so it took a long time before I have adjusted to my husband's bigger family including his extended family. It was like changing my whole self. Yes, changing my "self".
Most of the girls I knew think of marriage like a fairy tale or a love story in a movie with always a good ending . In a real world, it's not like finding your knight in shining armor. Most of them realized in the end that they should also be their own "knight in shining armor".
Being married means being a partner. It is choosing someone who will be a witness to all the greatest things that you will accomplish, your successes and even your failures. Having a happy married life always depend on you. If you let it be a burden to you, it will. Like what they always say, you make your own life. The bottom line is, if you want to have a merry married life, choose the best partner who can offer it to you. Choosing the right person is your key to a happy married life.
I got married in my early thirty and we are still together for five years already. I must say that my life is more challenging and colorful, and I got to know myself better. It is like discovering something new everyday about everything, my self, my husband, my life, my interests and my dreams.
After two years, he proposed and that was the biggest decision I have made. I gave in to that proposal because firstly, I love him and I was assured that he will love me forever. Second, I think that I am old enough to start my own family. Third, I am so excited to to be a wife and a mother. But I did not realize that being married means bigger responsibilities. It is not that I am not used to responsibilities but being a daughter and a sister is far different that being a wife.
Marriage entails a lot of adjustments. Before, I am used to deciding for myself, and now I have to consult my husband. We are just a small family so it took a long time before I have adjusted to my husband's bigger family including his extended family. It was like changing my whole self. Yes, changing my "self".
Most of the girls I knew think of marriage like a fairy tale or a love story in a movie with always a good ending . In a real world, it's not like finding your knight in shining armor. Most of them realized in the end that they should also be their own "knight in shining armor".
Being married means being a partner. It is choosing someone who will be a witness to all the greatest things that you will accomplish, your successes and even your failures. Having a happy married life always depend on you. If you let it be a burden to you, it will. Like what they always say, you make your own life. The bottom line is, if you want to have a merry married life, choose the best partner who can offer it to you. Choosing the right person is your key to a happy married life.
I got married in my early thirty and we are still together for five years already. I must say that my life is more challenging and colorful, and I got to know myself better. It is like discovering something new everyday about everything, my self, my husband, my life, my interests and my dreams.
Friday, August 15, 2008
My favorite person
If there is someone that I admire most, it is my mother. I have known other great mothers but I think Mama is the best.
She is a very understanding and kind person, and always sees the good in everyone. Even though there were times that I did not become the good daughter as I should be, she still believes in me and assures me that she still accepts me no matter how bad I do. I think most adult people goes through stages of rebellion during their youth, I am one of them.
She is a very jolly and accommodating person that she always makes everyone comfortable when she is around. She makes it a point that she knows our friends in school or work. Whenever we or our relatives have visitors, she is always there to entertain them. That is the reason why our relatives’ friends are also her friends.
She is a very patient mother and wife. Like I’ve said, I am not a very good daughter but still she did not give up on me neither to my father. My father has also his shares of machismo syndromes like every dominant father in the world, that sometimes I hate my mother for being a very patient wife to him. I remember when I was a child, I have witnessed how my mother suffered so much that she nearly gave up her career as a teacher. But she realized that my father will not be able to support us financially, so she pursued her masteral degree just to be promoted and have her salary increased.
Like what they usually says, good people die young. In 1996, my mother had an infection that resulted to an ovarian cancer. Like every cancer patient, she has to undergo therapies and treatments. The chemotherapy did not work for her but at least prolonged her life. She died on my birthday in 2001. A few weeks before she died and she was already bedridden and very weak at that time, I always remind her of my coming birthday.
For a time, I regretted that I did not spend more time with her. I blamed myself for not being a good daughter. But at least I was there during her last breath and I was able to ask forgiveness. I am sure Mama with her very understanding and kind heart has forgiven me.
She is a very understanding and kind person, and always sees the good in everyone. Even though there were times that I did not become the good daughter as I should be, she still believes in me and assures me that she still accepts me no matter how bad I do. I think most adult people goes through stages of rebellion during their youth, I am one of them.
She is a very jolly and accommodating person that she always makes everyone comfortable when she is around. She makes it a point that she knows our friends in school or work. Whenever we or our relatives have visitors, she is always there to entertain them. That is the reason why our relatives’ friends are also her friends.
She is a very patient mother and wife. Like I’ve said, I am not a very good daughter but still she did not give up on me neither to my father. My father has also his shares of machismo syndromes like every dominant father in the world, that sometimes I hate my mother for being a very patient wife to him. I remember when I was a child, I have witnessed how my mother suffered so much that she nearly gave up her career as a teacher. But she realized that my father will not be able to support us financially, so she pursued her masteral degree just to be promoted and have her salary increased.
Like what they usually says, good people die young. In 1996, my mother had an infection that resulted to an ovarian cancer. Like every cancer patient, she has to undergo therapies and treatments. The chemotherapy did not work for her but at least prolonged her life. She died on my birthday in 2001. A few weeks before she died and she was already bedridden and very weak at that time, I always remind her of my coming birthday.
For a time, I regretted that I did not spend more time with her. I blamed myself for not being a good daughter. But at least I was there during her last breath and I was able to ask forgiveness. I am sure Mama with her very understanding and kind heart has forgiven me.
Things I want to do before I turned 40
I read an article of Bo Sanchez about the things he wants to accomplish before he turns 50. I suddenly realized that I also need to think of my future. I need to set my goals and priorities. I just turned 36 and I still do not plan for my future. I don't know what I want to accomplish when I turned 40.
Let me start now..........Before I get to my 40s, I want to:
Let me start now..........Before I get to my 40s, I want to:
- stay as beautiful and young-looking as I am today. (really, hah)
- be rich by establishing my own business. I don't want to be an employee for the rest of my life. What kind of business? That is what I have to think seriously.
- try harder to be a better wife. I know I have my flaws as a wife, but I am not that perfect.
- travel to Australia to visit my relatives and again to Japan with my husband. I want him to see the beautiful places that I've visited.
- travel to Batanes, Boracay, Puetro Galera, Palawan, Subic and other popular places in the Philippines.
- publish a book about women. I want it to be a tribute to brave women like Mama.
- be a mother. I am presently seeing an OB specializing in fertility. I hope we'll make it before the year ends. And before I turn 40, I wish I can have two (2) kids, a girl and a boy.
- work again as a part-time instructress. I want to have a part-time career in teaching.
- finish a course in Women Studies.
- buy even a small vacation house in the province and a condo unit in Metro Manila.
I still have 4 years to do all of these. However, I think I would have a hard time accomplishing all of these things in 4 years. Maybe I should extend this to 10 more years. But who knows? I just pray that God will give me continuous strength and perseverance.
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